Apodemus Sylvaticus

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Fri, 09 Nov 2012 18:22:05 -0500

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Tue, 25 Sep 2012 20:58:55 -0400

collegehumor: Raccoon Steals Cat’s Food Snack Attack,...

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 20:52:53 -0400

collegehumor:

Raccoon Steals Cat’s Food

Snack Attack, motherf#$@&#.

I just watched this about 10 times in a row. Lololololol.

"x days since I last cut - Feel like a failure"

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 16:31:21 -0400

Following on from something I just read on here, I want to follow that point up!

I think in many ways challenging yourself by saying “so many days since I last cut” puts an inordinate amount of pressure on an unstable psychological system. You cut to cope, because it is all you know and it is in answer to a sometimes irresistible calling. Thus it doesn’t mean you are a failure for answering the call while trying to stop. It just means you have relapsed. Nothing more, nothing less.

We already feel bad enough about ourselves without putting on such great standards. See right now I have not cut for three weeks, because I have been on an upswing of mood. But I have not actively counted the days because I know that next downswing I am likely to break that clean streak. But I am not going to allow myself to feel like a failure. For when I feel down again I will feel bad enough as it is! And I know that it is all a part of the course of my problems. And I know that it is a pattern is likely to continue until meds and therapy give me the tools I need and confidence in myself to prevent the extremes of pain that make me want to cut/change my neural circuitry of learned responses.

After starting up again this year after 4 months clean I know now that SH is something that is likely to always be a part of my life to an extent. If I am not cutting, I am wolfbiting, and stripping the skin from the inside of my cheeks and lips till they bleed. But I know that the chunks of time where I feel no need to cut will only be achieved by my being kind to myself, and accepting the knowledge that it is great when I can go without it, but sometimes I need it.

Do not beat yourself up for your problems and relapses. You have enough problems. You do not need more feeding your pain.

Does this sound like ADHD?

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 21:09:00 -0400

I am 28 and believe I have undiagnosed Inattentive type ADHD. I am going to a psych app in November because my mind is generally all wonky lol. But rather than reel a list of symptoms I experience, I would like to get the opinion of some of you seasoned ADHD’ers on this experience which is typical to me. (I know you can’t give professional diagnosis etc etc etc, I just want an opinion).

Right now I am painting. I love painting. I would always like to do a lot more than I manage. But I get held back by a process I just seem unable to change no matter how hard I try.

I finally, after an enormous amount of procrastination manage to lift the painting from its place 30cm away to the desk in front of me. Then after a quick check of facebook, and Tumblr and a strum of my guitar, I pick up the brush and start painting. 10 minutes later I am compulsively drawn by some force I seem unable to resist to go to Facebook or my guitar, or Tumblr, or check my e-mail, or contact people to book gigs, or write some music, or research some topic for a song or follow some query that just popped into my head about the nature of life and the universe through Google, or some scattered combination of them all, between bouts of staring blankly at my painting… irresistably drawn to each for about 3-5 minutes, on the frustrating whims of a fickle mind I seem to have little control over.

Then snapping back to some sort of sensibility and realizing I am getting nowhere with any of those things, I finally manage to refocus my attention on the task at hand and decide I need some crumpets and some coffee before I can focus on my painting.

So I go get them and on the way back go to the toilet, see myself in the mirror and decide I need right now to pluck my eyebrows and do a bit of a general groom.

Finally, 20 mins later, I get back upstairs, check facebook and maybe Tumblr, perhaps pick up my guitar and then my octave mandola and go back to that song I started. But for some reason the inspiration suddenly leaves as fast as it came and I am drawn once more to put down the instrument and do something else. I force myself back to the painting which I really want to finish and I stare at it blankly, lost in some kind of mental twilight zone of daydream for about 5 minutes… some strange mental block stopping me from focusing my energy outwards and putting the paintbrush to paper, until something mentally lifts and I start again.For about 5/10 minutes until the whole process starts again. before I know it, 8 hours have passed in the blink of an eye and I have no idea how. And then there is another day wasted. And another week. And another month. And this is how it has been for my whole life.

AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE! I would love to just be able to think “I want to do this painting. I’mma gonna do loads today” and just focus several uninterrupted hours on it. But I seem totally unable to do that and it irks me and stops me from achieving all I want to. The only time I can find that focus is if I stay up all night and OD on Coffee to give myself a slightly manic buzz of creative energy. I might have to become a speed freak :P

Please tell me I am not the only creative person who has this kind of dysfunctional working pattern? :P

NEWSFLASH: No one gives a shit about your irrelevant opinion!

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 05:16:28 -0400

Here is a perfect example for all to see of the typical response of the playground bully mentality. Love it :P

Freelice - Most pathetic thing I have seen yet.

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 04:12:24 -0400

People who run these so called freelice “truth blog’s” need to get a fucking life seriously. They make the most pathetic and embarrassing reading I have ever seen and those who indulge in this most distasteful mode of cyber bullying need to take a good look at their own lives and get a fucking hobby.

As well as a reality check…..

Guess what? Non internet celebrity people also do all the things you guys are on your high horses about… I know plenty of:

a) People who photoshop their pics.

b) People who lie about the above.

c) People who feel the need to lie about aspects of life to make themselves feel better.

d)Teenage girls who make mistakes and poor judgement calls, and sometimes post things on the net impulsively that they grow to regret.

I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK about such things because it is irrelevant and it does not concern me or inconvenience my life in any such way. We all gossip about people it is true. Human nature in fact. But why not keep gossip private rather than making this conscious, sick effort to slander people’s names by exposing “truth’s” among strangers to the victim for no other reason than the fact people look up to that person? So they have made mistakes, display inconsistencies and sometimes behave questionably? EVERY PERSON ON THE FUCKING PLANET DOES THOSE THINGS FROM TIME TO TIME FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!!

These people are not robot celebrities, they are real people with feelings like you and I, and I don’t care how you dress it up this truth blog phenomena is nothing less than gang bullying. I have zero tolerance for it. It is PATHETIC and sickens me.

pressure

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:21:33 -0400

I can’t take the pressure I can’t take the pressure, I can’t take the pressure of my parents expecting and needing me to go and get a job and be a productive person when I can’t tell them the truth of the fact I feel I am incapable of holding down and functioning within a job without having a breakdown at the moment. I am afraid to find one and have to face that commitment.

I am cutting every day. Every day. I have lately got urges to burn myself with cigarrettes. I’ve never ever burned before and I don’t know where this urge is coming from. I have resisted thus far……

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Fri, 03 Aug 2012 13:12:45 -0400

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Tue, 31 Jul 2012 18:31:19 -0400

arrhsksfjksdfj

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 11:54:28 -0400

I want to tear myself to pieces and cry and tear myself to pieces and cry and tear myself to pieces. I can think of nothing better to do with myself today than cut and cut and cut and not stop.

Thoughts on young diagnosis

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 10:17:45 -0400

I am of an age (28) where I have come over the past year to realize that I am not just the quirky individual who has a gift of seeing and feeling more deeply than other people. That there is something clearly wrong. Part of me is angry that no one noticed when I was a teen and I was allowed to suffer so long. That long suffering has led to deeply embedded negatives in life that I have come to realize I can only eke out via getting the courage for getting a diagnosis, therapy and possibly (I wish to avoid it if possible) drugs.

But then, I was reading through old blogs from between 2003 and 2008 in which I would write long rambling rants about life and my perspective on myself and things that happened to me. The creative associations I would make between things and the huge amount of creative thinking that went into song writing. At the time I was suffering a lot, and I have been able to see some clear depressed and possibly hypomanic periods in the mood diary I made from it, and the language I was using. I was reading it all with more educated eyes, and I saw clear symptoms. Repetitions of things I experienced in this years depression… symptoms I thought were new, but I have actually experienced plentifully in the past but forgotten about.

I believe, if I had been diagnosed early, I would have been conditioned to see everything as a symptom and it would have badly impacted my developing personality… it would have impinged on the way I was seeking knowledge and understanding of myself and the world. It would have impinged on my creativity. I believe with a growing and developing brain saddled with a heavy mental illness diagnosis I would have become identified with a disorder rather than my own identity.

But then… what has been ignored and untreated for so long is becoming intolerable and I know now that I need help. So it’s a double edged sword. Your thoughts?

the lonely sting of despair

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 17:55:57 -0400

I don’t think I have it in me to be happy. I don’t think I will ever be happy. All I want from life is happiness and I fear I will never find it. Everyone else has goals like a good job, kids, this car, that telly, this status etc etc, and while I do have mine, all I want is to be happy.

I looked at old blogs and diaries dating from 2003 and made a mood diary on an online calendar and it made bleak reading.
Every year I have been trekking through long hard periods of depression, and while I seem to remember the up times more, they are fewer than I remember, and in actual fact I have spent more of my life depressed than happy.

I feel so alone and I just want to cry right now. I very rarely manage to muster up the energy to cry but I have tears running down my face right now, and I think I shall probably cut. I don’t know how to be OK when I have come home from uni to a home of nothing of any note. I don’t really believe I have more than about 2 true friends. No one texts or asks me to do anything. I’m just that annoying person who talks too much on facebook, and then seems ignorant in real life because half of the people i talk to on their I meet in real life and they intimidate me because I feel below everyone else and so am too shy to talk to them lest they judge me.

My friend is suffering a chronic kidney problem which involves extensive daily dialysis which cripples his health and social life. He has been in hospital this week after nearly dying from pneumonia. That is a real problem. An actual problem. I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING PROBLEMS, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?????

I want to turn myself off and get away from being me.

Follow this blog if you like quirky, Medieval, English Pagan Folk music!

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 11:31:29 -0400

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/faybrotherhoodandleeburns

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Sat, 30 Jun 2012 09:24:46 -0400