Snack Attack, motherf#$@&#.
I just watched this about 10 times in a row. Lololololol.
Following on from something I just read on here, I want to follow that point up!
I think in many ways challenging yourself by saying “so many days since I last cut” puts an inordinate amount of pressure on an unstable psychological system. You cut to cope, because it is all you know and it is in answer to a sometimes irresistible calling. Thus it doesn’t mean you are a failure for answering the call while trying to stop. It just means you have relapsed. Nothing more, nothing less.
We already feel bad enough about ourselves without putting on such great standards. See right now I have not cut for three weeks, because I have been on an upswing of mood. But I have not actively counted the days because I know that next downswing I am likely to break that clean streak. But I am not going to allow myself to feel like a failure. For when I feel down again I will feel bad enough as it is! And I know that it is all a part of the course of my problems. And I know that it is a pattern is likely to continue until meds and therapy give me the tools I need and confidence in myself to prevent the extremes of pain that make me want to cut/change my neural circuitry of learned responses.
After starting up again this year after 4 months clean I know now that SH is something that is likely to always be a part of my life to an extent. If I am not cutting, I am wolfbiting, and stripping the skin from the inside of my cheeks and lips till they bleed. But I know that the chunks of time where I feel no need to cut will only be achieved by my being kind to myself, and accepting the knowledge that it is great when I can go without it, but sometimes I need it.
Do not beat yourself up for your problems and relapses. You have enough problems. You do not need more feeding your pain.
I am 28 and believe I have undiagnosed Inattentive type ADHD. I am going to a psych app in November because my mind is generally all wonky lol. But rather than reel a list of symptoms I experience, I would like to get the opinion of some of you seasoned ADHD’ers on this experience which is typical to me. (I know you can’t give professional diagnosis etc etc etc, I just want an opinion).
Right now I am painting. I love painting. I would always like to do a lot more than I manage. But I get held back by a process I just seem unable to change no matter how hard I try.
I finally, after an enormous amount of procrastination manage to lift the painting from its place 30cm away to the desk in front of me. Then after a quick check of facebook, and Tumblr and a strum of my guitar, I pick up the brush and start painting. 10 minutes later I am compulsively drawn by some force I seem unable to resist to go to Facebook or my guitar, or Tumblr, or check my e-mail, or contact people to book gigs, or write some music, or research some topic for a song or follow some query that just popped into my head about the nature of life and the universe through Google, or some scattered combination of them all, between bouts of staring blankly at my painting… irresistably drawn to each for about 3-5 minutes, on the frustrating whims of a fickle mind I seem to have little control over.
Then snapping back to some sort of sensibility and realizing I am getting nowhere with any of those things, I finally manage to refocus my attention on the task at hand and decide I need some crumpets and some coffee before I can focus on my painting.
So I go get them and on the way back go to the toilet, see myself in the mirror and decide I need right now to pluck my eyebrows and do a bit of a general groom.
Finally, 20 mins later, I get back upstairs, check facebook and maybe Tumblr, perhaps pick up my guitar and then my octave mandola and go back to that song I started. But for some reason the inspiration suddenly leaves as fast as it came and I am drawn once more to put down the instrument and do something else. I force myself back to the painting which I really want to finish and I stare at it blankly, lost in some kind of mental twilight zone of daydream for about 5 minutes… some strange mental block stopping me from focusing my energy outwards and putting the paintbrush to paper, until something mentally lifts and I start again.For about 5/10 minutes until the whole process starts again. before I know it, 8 hours have passed in the blink of an eye and I have no idea how. And then there is another day wasted. And another week. And another month. And this is how it has been for my whole life.
AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE! I would love to just be able to think “I want to do this painting. I’mma gonna do loads today” and just focus several uninterrupted hours on it. But I seem totally unable to do that and it irks me and stops me from achieving all I want to. The only time I can find that focus is if I stay up all night and OD on Coffee to give myself a slightly manic buzz of creative energy. I might have to become a speed freak :P
Please tell me I am not the only creative person who has this kind of dysfunctional working pattern? :P
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